Here Lately

So, I don't really know how to start or what to say, I just know that God wants me to share what he's been teaching me here lately, so here goes!

I always think that I'm doing too well right now...I should be struggling much more, having many more problems and hang-ups to be truly walking with God. If I am spending enough time with him and digging deep enough into my issues, I should be a wreck, right? But, apparently that's not the case. God doesn't need me to suffer to repair me and mold me, He might even make these lessons sweet and another reason to worship Him. What a crazy idea!

So more and more lately, I've realized that I have no self-control in the areas I'm trying to fix. I keep thinking, "why did I buy that? why did I eat that? why can't I workout more?", but God quickly showed me that I can't do much of anything on my own... and what I can do, it's only because God created me to do those things and knitted me together with abilities, etc. This revalation has helped me in so many ways...I pray much more frequently about the very small things I honestly think are too small to both God with. But realizing that he care about EVERY tiny aspect of my life has been increadible, too. And, when He helps me with the small things, it reveals just how big He truly is! The other day I was in church and had horrible allergies, and prayed that I could stop sneezing during worship so that I could concentrate...right as I was praying, a sneeze came on, but went away. Things that small are incredible! All you have to do is ask....wow.

So, now that I have learned to drop so much at His feet and seek His will in even the small aspects of my life, it has dramatically reduced my pride in myself. How can I have self-esteem when I realize that God runs even the smallest aspects of my life? What a humbling, but beautiful experience! So, I hope not to loose this lesson or to have it fade out when I find something else that needs work. I feel like I'm learning lessons constantly and have so many things I need to read about, work on, people I need to pray for, etc. that it's overwhelming!

I'm also having to learn a lot of patience, lately. There are so many decisions to make lately and now instead of thinking I know what's best, I've been praying about them all, but don't yet have a peace about what I should do. It's been hard to wait, but so much more re-assuring that when I do get an answer, it's the best thing for me.

I can't begin to fathom God's grace and love for me. That He's pleased in me...not punishing, not making me "earn" my way back into His good graces. I feel ashamed of my sin with that kind of acceptance and it's so hard to accept his instant grace, but it's so beautiful at the same time. I can't believe that not only is He thrilled to have me back, but he wants to be involved and direct every little, tiny aspect of my life and mold me into His likeness...man.