Ah, Men...

This post has been rolling around in my head for several days, so there's no telling if it'll come out logically, but I'll give it a try.

I've been thinking a lot about men, women, singleness, dating, etc. and thinking about how I deal with all of that. And my first thought is that women and naturally manipulative in this area and a bit obsessive and over-analytical...Before I get nasty comments, let me just say that's my own observation of mostly, well, me! I see glimpses of it everywhere, but I know those are the things that I fight on a regular basis.

First of all, I think as a woman, my role is to be pursued. This makes for a tough time, though! I've been very used to manipulating, flirting, etc to get the guy I want and it usually worked. Now, I understand that it's not about me, and I was going after relationships for all the wrong reasons. I wanted a boyfriend so that I could feel better about myself, validate that I was attractive, have someone love me, have someone serve me, etc. Now I realize that a relationship, marriage in particular, is to model Christ and the church. I am called into a relationship to love the other person, serve them, and draw them closer to Christ. It will be a very difficult road of selflessness and sanctification!

Anyway, back to my original point. I've been single for over a year, and not just single, but no one has asked me out, or really even flirted! And I know that's not long, and I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but it's important information for me to make my point. God is perfect, and His plan is happening exactly the way it is supposed to. It has forced me to deal with co-dependence, getting my self-esteem from relationships and forced me to rely on the Lord as my source of love, acceptance, self-worth, etc. And, I must say, although I've not really been a big fan of it, I see the huge fruits of being single during this time!

So, the areas I have to fight regularly are being manipulative and over-analyzing. And by manipulative, most of this just goes on in my head, but just having constant thoughts of: "Oh, I better make sure I look good", "I should go to this because boys will be there", "I should say/do this because it'll make me sound like I'd be a good wife" and on and on and on and on and on..... It's insanity! So, I am learning to fight that . And it's good that none of those thoughts/actions work because then I would've manipulated the situation instead of letting myself be pursued. I think it would be the biggest blessing to have someone pursue me without having to "lure" them... And the best news is that God will use my retarded, selfish actions to still glorify him....amazing! So, I'm doing my best to wait and rest in the Lord and know that He is enough...and if someone great comes along that I'm meant to marry, YIPPEE! Otherwise, I will continue to fight my flesh and not pursue/manipulate men.

Also, I obsess and over-analyze. And, I think this is an issue for a lot of women. Since we wait on men to pursue us, we like to sit and analyze every move they make and try to read something into it. This seems to cause 2 big issues: 1. We start to close our fist around "dating" and it becomes an idol and 2. We then manipulate to get more and end up being unfair to men. I think it's hard enough to navigate God-glorifying relationships with brothers and sisters in the body already, but when women take everything guys do as a "sign", it makes it very difficult! I'll be the first to admit that I constantly struggle to take my thoughts captive and not obsessing, and I fight that a lot, but I really don't think it's fair to get upset with the men that want to get to know us as sisters when they're not pursuing a relationship...

I count myself blessed every time I get to spend time around Godly men. They are such an example to me and extremely encouraging to just watch, even. So, I don't want to ruin that by getting angry when they are being kind, but that kindness doesn't mean they want to date me. My goal is to enjoy their company whenever I get the privilege, and not assume that any of them "like" me until someone actually says so. I think single people interacting is enough of a minefield without me being unfair and idolatrous like that with someone.

I hope this is actually making some sense...It's just the random rants of my thoughts lately, but I thought it was something important to write down and get out there. It's tough to do singleness and relationships God's way, but like all things He commands, completely worth it!

Also, the 2 greatest benefits of me staying single right now are:
1. I am able to serve others with my time (which I have a lot of), instead of being able to serve my family at home.
2. I am working through issues and being sanctified before I inflict my junk on someone else. The more I can work out now, the less I'll carry into a marriage!!

I try to focus on the positive, people :) Anyway, hope that makes at least a little sense....